Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Making peace with pieces

We all have a past. We have things that were good and things that were bad. We have ex lovers and ex idiots, we even have ex lovers that were also idiots. We have family quarrels and then amazing family occasions. We have life altering childhood memories that lead us innocently into teen aged crisis, which also leads us into our altered state of crisis known as adulthood. We all have past, we all have notches in our belt and we all have been hit with that belt in some way or form.
But what it is you do with that past is what interests me today. Do you live and learn? Do you learn and then attempt to live again? Do you chalk it all off to something out of your control or do you take the bull by the horns and forcibly "steer" it into a direction you can live with? Here are a few of my pieces-

"Worthy" (myspace rerun 12/18/07)

What are you worth? What are you worthy of and who is worthy of you?
This is my question for today. I received in the mail a statement from Social Security stating what my spouse, children or myself would be given in benefits in case we required assistance from Social Security. This sum is determined by the amount you had contributed to the general fund while being gamefully employed. That sum that made you so upset each time you saw it drawn from your pay check. This sum is formulated into some sort of number to establish what all your years of blood sweat and tears are worth. My numbers were along the lines of $494 for the spouse and $370 for the children.But family benefits are not to excede $741 a month. HMMMM- that really sucks. I agree that if you dont put in that you should not be entitled to take out but there is something really wrong when there is no consideration for a person who gives up many things for the sake of raising children.
And then there is that worth that is the other side of that same coin. Ok so I dont get paid for doing my job. I have long hours and no days off with no sick pay or sick time. I have the kind of work that can keep you lying awake at night wondering if you did enough- did you do everything you needed to? Then you call to apply for credit and they ask you how much you make... well I can add up all of the money that I would have spent if I were not home each day- I have done this math already. Between daycare, take out, gasoline, extra costs due to lack of time to shop around for general necessities. How about the tutors or the sitters for late nights on the job. I have in the past sat down and figured it all out. I came up with about $40,000 a year saved by my being home. But is that all my work is worth? If I were to do all that I do for someone else would it be worth that amount? I wonder how much of that would go to the Social Security and how much would I really be worth then?

Captain of the Pearl boat-

I was trying to explain to a friend the other day how I am handling the whole stress of daily crap mixed with the economy and spiced with motherhood. Some of my headlines on facebook were starting to worry her and she was very concerned for my mental state of being. I'm a very optimistic person normally and I suppose that this was not shining through in my less than encouraging headlines. My thoughts were overwhelming and there was a part of my soul that needed to bleed out my thoughts and this is what came out-

Sometimes I feel like the captain of a pearl boat.
Each morning I wake up early and get the boat ready. I make sure that all the tanks have air, that all the lines are coiled nice and neat and then I get my divers. I have one that is good for a pearl, two that are learning to look for pearls but are still just avoiding the sharp shells and one who has just learned to swim. I also have one in the boat with me because he is not quite ready to go in the water. The sun is not up nor is it high as I drop their air lines in the water after them each day. I send them off with all that they need for their day and I turn to the rest of my responsibilities on the boat. While my divers are off I am in charge of making sure that there is plenty of air for them to stay down there. It is my job to make sure their lines don't tangle and kink. I spend my day fending off the seagulls and fighting the many pirates that attack us for our pearls. I worry about the one on my boat who cant swim yet and fear for the ones that go into the waters each day- I see the sharks swimming in circles and can do nothing to protect them. I know that my head diver is capable of large collections of oysters, he has brought many in the past. Sadly we have not been blessed withs a pearl in quite some time and I can only hold off the pirates for so long before they decide to just take my boat and leave us floating alone in deep waters. My days are long and filled with fears and stress. I give all my shade and water to my little one that I keep away from the edges of the boat and as a result I am sun burnt and dehydrated. I am tired and weak and desperate for the shade, desperate for the oysters that will sustain me and hopeful for that pearl.