Tuesday, March 31, 2009

"Worthy" (myspace rerun 12/18/07)

What are you worth? What are you worthy of and who is worthy of you?
This is my question for today. I received in the mail a statement from Social Security stating what my spouse, children or myself would be given in benefits in case we required assistance from Social Security. This sum is determined by the amount you had contributed to the general fund while being gamefully employed. That sum that made you so upset each time you saw it drawn from your pay check. This sum is formulated into some sort of number to establish what all your years of blood sweat and tears are worth. My numbers were along the lines of $494 for the spouse and $370 for the children.But family benefits are not to excede $741 a month. HMMMM- that really sucks. I agree that if you dont put in that you should not be entitled to take out but there is something really wrong when there is no consideration for a person who gives up many things for the sake of raising children.
And then there is that worth that is the other side of that same coin. Ok so I dont get paid for doing my job. I have long hours and no days off with no sick pay or sick time. I have the kind of work that can keep you lying awake at night wondering if you did enough- did you do everything you needed to? Then you call to apply for credit and they ask you how much you make... well I can add up all of the money that I would have spent if I were not home each day- I have done this math already. Between daycare, take out, gasoline, extra costs due to lack of time to shop around for general necessities. How about the tutors or the sitters for late nights on the job. I have in the past sat down and figured it all out. I came up with about $40,000 a year saved by my being home. But is that all my work is worth? If I were to do all that I do for someone else would it be worth that amount? I wonder how much of that would go to the Social Security and how much would I really be worth then?

Another thought on my mind is what am I worthy of? Since Im very good at cost comparison and bargain shopping and stretching every last dollar, I have nice things and live in a wonderfull home. I live like we make so much more than we bring in. My children are dressed in the latest fashions and labels. I carry a neat little Vera Bradly bag. I live in a great town and enjoy a Disney vacation now and then. But am I worthy of it all? Did I really earn the right to wear or own or travel there? Im not among those that buy these things at cost. Im never the first to own the nicer things in my life. My desinger clothes and such were all bought second hand at thrift stores. My Vera Bradly bag from Goodwill for $15. I bargain price my vacations so much that it determines when we go, where we stay and how much we are allowed to spend while there. I will play on the airfare ding fares and stay at the cheapest resort. I babysit and sell on ebay to pay for it and use the loose change jar for the kids souveniers. But do I deserve it? I could have spent all of that cash on something different like new school clothing rather than consignment and new video games for christmas rather than used. Am I really worthy of this status that I seem on the outside to be living?
In a conversation that I recently had, there was discussion of favorite fragrances and what I loved. I personally love Chanel No 5. I think it is one of the most classy scents and makes me thing of richness that I have never seen. Something that somewhere inside I would never be. Does this mean that Im not even worthy to wear a fragrance? Lets face it- $5 for a bottle of body spray from Bath and Body Works is a great luxury for me. It was bought at the mall and was not second hand. And the truth is that I could never stomach the thought of spending that money on a bottle of perfume. I would have nowhere to wear it to anyhow.
How pathetic is it that I was given a gift certificate for Victoria Secrets and was beyond thrilled. I had been in the store before and had walked away sick over the thought of spending $45 on one bra! But here I am with a $50 gift card and twentyfive pounds lost- I get to buy a bra from VS. You would think I was buying a house with all the back and forth and questioning of the whole ordeal. Why am I not worthy of a VS bra? Who actually stocks their dressers with these undergarments. Do people really pay $20 for a pair of matching underwear? Are you serious? But there I am, each time I go to the mall- hoping that by some miracle that they are on a big sale and at an affordable discount. Why cant I feel worth that luxury?
Im happy in my life. I love what I have surrounded myself with. I am very pleased with my purse and my clothing. I feel very blessed to be home with my children and to send them off to school in Limited too and Abercombie. Perhaps its a new trend of "seconhand happiness" that I have created. I am not the first to appreciate and love these things. I have taught my children responsible and frugal lessons in my thrifty behavior. We are happy and we have eachother. I have caused my world to be that which I dream of by living vicariously through the mall purchase of others. When we are all on vacation it does not matter where we stay or how we got there- all that matters is that we are there and we will have the same memories as those that are staying at a deluxe hotel and booked 2 weeks out with concierge. We dont need concierge- we have me. Me and all that I am worth- to my family that is priceless-
My worth is priceless- I am priceless

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