Yes, there it is. I said it and I mean it too. I have finally gotten to the point of waning optimism where the good that was my mood is gone. I have started resenting total strangers and being upset with anyone that does not have it bad. I have started crying for the teachers that are losing their jobs all over and have resented the elderly and empty nest voters that are refusing to pay for the education of future generations. I am tired of hearing more and more layoffs each day and in the same news broadcast hearing how the economy is getting better and that the recession is over. I'm tired of applying for Social Services and being scared that I might be rejected because my checking account has more than $2000 in it yet fearing that I will need it to have at least $3500 by next week or I will not have enough to cover this month's bills. Im tired of people suggesting that we sell our house with our $1800 a month mortgage so that we could find a rental for $2000 a month- ok so Im paying an additional $600 in taxes and ins but we have our home. We have the place where the kids are safe and feel just a little like we used to before the economy hit and jobs were lost. I'm tired of being told that we should sell our truck which is worth less than we owe and therefore I can either pay the $450 a month or I can miraculously come up with $4000 to pay the difference.
Im hating random strangers- I hate people parked in the mall parking lot. Who do they think they are shopping at an overpriced retail stores while I am dreading my trek to Wal Mart to spent $56 on printer ink. But I had to spend that money that I did not have because we are out of resume's and we needed to copy bank statements and car registrations for Social Services. I had to spend that money that I did not have in order to stay afloat..... and while sitting in traffic for all those ridiculous mall shoppers, I festered with a hatred that I was not aware I had.
I resent anyone living a normal life- those that take for granted the little things. The $18 that I didn't have for a boy scout camping trip. The $5 for the book fair. The $200 I can't spend on football/cheer registration. The $40 spending money I can't offer my son for a 4 day school trip - never mind the $800 the said trip cost me in the first place. Oh and lets add that $99 deposit needed in two weeks for my daughter's Washington trip next year. I hate that I have to beg for scholarships, I hate telling the kids that they cannot be like their friends. I hate being the one that has to come up with reasons that the kids can't go to their friend's birthday parties just because I don't have the money for a gift. I am hating all those people who not only have the money for all of this but don't even know what they have.
I have lost all pride. I have become that person who people feel sorry for. I am that "it could be worse" that you all say with each stressful occasion. I am beyond that point of looking up and thinking ahead. I'm not feeling hopeful anymore, instead I am just waiting for that next ball to drop. I'm living in that rainy day that I saved for but was not banking on floods.
I feel like I was living a normal life- I was walking along the riverbank and enjoying the scenery. I was following a path to the end of the rainbow when someone decided to toss me into the water in order to save themselves. Now I'm swimming swimming swimming swimming upstream- Dory would be so proud. I swim and swim but what Dory did not realize is that she is a fish. She can swim all day without stopping. Im just a mom towing her family with tired arms and spirit. My friends and family throw me paper ropes and they hold me up for a while and I get a break, I get to take a breath or two but then the paper dissolves and I slip back into the rapids and they feel sorry for me as they watch me slip away yet again. I go to bed at night wondering if I would be better off just letting the river take me but then I remember that I'm not alone but towing my family along with me. So swim I must-
I wont be ending this on a positive note- no upward spin this time. Its raining outside, I'm cold and cant turn on the heat. My mood is as grey as it is outside today. It is what it is- it is what it has been for almost two years now. I am just going to take this day and feel sorry for myself because I think that I have earned that much.